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Talk:The Sacred Star/@comment-17737991-20140813015347
Okay, and here it is: Day One "I am recording myself" Okay, so these entries are him talking to a camera. And you should elaborate on why his family says he's been acting strange. You also mention that Alex gets headaches often, but you never specified that he /recently/ started getting them often. Night One: Oh… so he's not talking to a camera, the recordings are a separate part of the story. And "It is currently 3:00 am I was just woken up". Why would he know the exact time when he just woke up to a whispering noise? Shouldn't he wake up, freak out over whispers and then notice the time? Day Two: "I try to feel okay but when I do I get a awful headache." So trying to calm down gives him a headache? So what, does freaking out make the headache go away? :\ If you meant he can't feel okay because of his headache, then you didn't phrase it very well. Night Two: Don't add in irrelevant details. For example: I have decided to go to bed earlier so instead of 10:00 pm I have decided to sleep at 9:00 pm instead. Does this detail matter? Does it add to the atmosphere? Not really, he just went to bed earlier. It's not important and the readers don't care. "I can't make out what they're saying but it sounds like *death is star*" Not being able to make out what one says means you can't understand what they say, which is not the case as Alex understood "death is star". He could make out what they said, but it was hard to hear. Day Three: It's in my head, no wait it's not. That's all that really happens… perhaps add more concrete reasoning for why he knows he heard it? Night Three: His neck burns like hell, like it's been since the beginning of the story. But suddenly he starts screaming and crying over it? Why would he suddenly do that if the pain is the same it's been? If the pain increased, you didn't say so. Day Four: Ok, so was he crying because his arm was being stabbed? There's no indication of this on night three, it just mentions the neck pain. And how did he not notice stab wounds on his arm until reviewing the video .-. Night Four: "I feel asleep super fast. this is the last thing I know because I am just a corpse lying on the ground." How does he narrate if he's a corpse? Day Five: There's more ways to find evidence than just finger prints. The case being dropped is fine, but there should be more reasons than just "Can't find the fingerprints". Also, why didn't the police find the video tapes? And how did the guy not notice a star on his neck? His neck hurt but he never bothered to find a mirror and see what was causing the pain? The Star: Where is this information coming from? Is it from a police report, is it in one of Alex's videos? It also comes out of nowhere. Like, completely out of nowhere. There's nothing leading up to this, no clues or anything.